24 February 2024, Saturday, 15:02
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Oh, Vasilich!

Oh, Vasilich!

About the underground tunnel from the bunker to Crimea.

There have been guesses regarding this for a long time.

However, everyone kept quiet. Nobody wanted to get into trouble. This is not the kind of news with which one should rush to the nearest podium and suddenly stun the respectable audience: “Don’t you know it still?..”

They know, they knew it. Even if they didn’t have accurate information, they guessed. This is the fate of almost all mega-structures. After the ribbons are cut, ceremonial speeches are made and presents for the heroes of the moment are made, it usually turns out that there was no point in building this foolish thing. No one needs it. It will never justify the costs. Usually, in such cases, outsiders are extremely curious, what will happen to those who started all this and got funding? Nothing special. Most likely, they are already lobbying somewhere in higher-ups for a new and incredibly expensive project.

However, this is not a kind of trifle, but a famous structure - the ill-fated Crimean Bridge. At first glance, everything at this strategic construction site was organized clearly and rationally. The construction is extremely necessary. This bridge was supposed to correct the mistake of nature to a certain extent and in favour of Russia, of course. How could it happen that the strait is in the east, and not on the northern side of Crimea? It would clearly separate the peninsula from the mainland. And the Kerch Peninsula would have been unified with Taman. It’s a pity but not. There is the Strait, the Frontier. Hard to overcome!

Then this ambitious structure plopped into that very strait. However, after frantic enthusiasm and admiration for their own, the eastern strategists were extremely disappointed. It suddenly turned out that this bridge was also an excellent target for the Ukrainian forces. They started destroying it immediately. The prestigious logistics area has turned into a zone of hopeless risk. The missiles started hitting it penetrating defences. The Sea Babies [Unmanned surface vehicles - Ed.] attacked it. Trucks exploded on the bridge. Gasoline tanks were burning. Seemingly invulnerable structures collapsed and fell into the sea. It became clear to everyone that the trick with the crossing had failed completely. More than once I had to turn to the old ferry company. And where to go – everything in this ridiculous campaign to block the strait was done hastily, in the heat of the moment. At random.

And then the instigator of all this imperial chaos retired to his bunker. And after some thought, I made a different decision. Here it would be clear to an infant that the bridge across the strait was a strategic mistake. Complete failure. More precisely, embarrassment. But Crimea cannot be surrendered either. So what should you do – go to the taiga? Or even admit defeat and stop this senseless war? But in this case, even in the closest circle, an alarming murmur may arise, and someone will certainly decide to ask a simple Soviet question: what were they fighting for?

Therefore, there is only one way out – to bury in the ground. Pounce on the whole country. Build a deeper hole instead of a stupid bridge. A tunnel to be precise. From Taman, for example and under the strait to very Kerch. Maybe even further. Why waste time on trifles - directly to this... what's it called... Alupka!.. Or all the way to Sevastopol. It will be a huge construction project. They will let then everyone know who is the coolest and most united on the continent. But at the same time, it is worth starting long negotiations. About the world, of course. And continue as long as Kim Jong-un supplies his Russian allies with shells.

No sooner said than done. Why waste time on trifles? Even the initial cost of this tempting object has already been named – five billion dollars. Still understand how much is actually required. Therefore, the State Duma, discussing the country’s budget for the next year, did not skimp or grumble. But she simply spent a third of the annual treasury on military expenses. Who will then figure out how much will go to the trenchmen, the rear guards, Comrade Eun, and how much will go to the construction of the century and those who started it?

Fragments of correspondence between Russian business circles and interested departments and a Chinese construction corporation, which was already engaged in expanding metro communications in Moscow, have already appeared in the American press. It was they who built the deepest escalator in Maryina Roshcha. And they have already notified the potential customer that the corporation can carry out construction work of any complexity in the Crimea region. Everyone understands the amounts we can really talk about here. It would be a shame to miss all this. But no one wants to run into sanctions either. Therefore, an impenetrable veil has arisen on the business frontiers. But a change in weather will not be long in coming.

The country's most secret bunker is completely private for the decisive brainstorming. Isn’t the same mistake hidden in the new mega-project? There should be subtle aspects. That is why the chief strategist paces from corner to corner of his office. He asks himself questions that no one would ever dare to answer. He is already touching on the first pain point of the idea of an underground tunnel under the strait. Why must the exit be in Kerch, and the beginning somewhere in Taman? Isn’t it easier to start everything with the same Maryina Roshcha, already familiar to the Chinese? Next is the ring line. And a decisive push of the underground to the South. Where can I get so much money? Yes, in the same place where they took it for war. The bottom line there is only one question: who will answer for a third of the budget allocated for the military tasks? It turned out, no one. So is it worth being modest?

The security service did well following a decisive order to personally test a unique underground line on the eve of the presidential elections. No persuasion or warnings were taken into account. On the appointed day and hour, the subject of tireless security, dressed in the modest cloak of a Soviet personal pensioner, descended the endless escalator of the Moscow Maryina Roshcha station. A special train consisting of three empty cars was delivered. The client was satisfied with the long trip. And the final station was exactly where it was needed. An inconspicuous vessel was rocking at the empty pier, in no way resembling the pompous yacht that had long been known to all reporters. That's how this story would end.

But the bank employee on the exotic island of the offshore archipelago looked at the nondescript client with hostility. He made a mistake and did not postpone his sudden visit until tomorrow. He lazily looked at his pc and suddenly saw a long string of figures. Shock. It took him a long time to get it real. Then he said very obscurely: “And all this belongs to a certain Signor Ku-ku. I hope it won’t be difficult for you to provide indisputable evidence that it’s you, sir!”

Eh, Vasilich! And you call yourself an agent…

Uladzimir Khalip, specially for Charter97.org

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